At My Fingertips: Brusque
by aevee
Summary: AerisTifa. Half-sequel to 'At My Fingertips'. What if Aeris never went to Tifa that night? "She had always been at my fingertips, but I had turned her away, and she had pushed past me roughly, brusquely."


AN: My half-sequel to 'At My Fingertips'. Sadly, it's considerably shorter than its predecessor, but I worked hard on it, so I hope you'll forgive me for its lack in length. Well, I guess, enjoy the piece, and please, review after you read!

I'm not sure whether what I did was right or not. I'm not sure whether what I did was for the best, or whether it ruined everything. In fact, I'm not sure about a lot of things. But there is one thing that I actually am sure about. I miss her.

They said that the Promised Land was supposed to have everything you ever wanted. I can tell you now that it's not true, because it may have a lot of things, but the one thing that I want the most just isn't here. I've looked everywhere, spent every waking moment wandering, and yet, I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Tifa Lockheart isn't here.

I can't help but wonder all the time what life would have been like if I'd just gone to her that night, if I'd trusted my instincts rather than my logic and went to Tifa rather than wait for Cloud. Would it have been better than how it'd turned out? Would it have become even worse than if I hadn't gone? Does Tifa really hate me, or is there an underlying love that I can sometimes swear I see flickering in her eyes? I don't know, I just don't know.

But there is one thing I know.

I love Tifa Lockheart, have always loved her, and forever will.

I miss her, I really do. The Promised Land is nothing. I want to go back, I want to be with Tifa again, I want to rewind to the night where I made my drastic choice between two people, and I know exactly what I would have done now. But it's no use. I can't do that. All I can do is sit and wander, and think about that night over and over again, muse about the unlimited possibilities of what could have happen, what _would_ have happened had I chosen the other path.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Aeris?"

I can feel Cloud's breath tickling my ear.

"Yes?"

I tilt my head a little to the side, towards Cloud, and whisper back to him. I'm acutely aware of the fact that Tifa's staring at me. Again. She's always staring at me. Sometimes, I'm inclined to feel flattered, to have such a beautiful girl stare at me, to have the girl of my dreams stare at me. Other times, I feel nervous underneath her intense gaze. Just what forms of torture does she have formulating inside that beautiful head of hers?

"Aeris, I have a favour to ask of you."

"Ok... Anything for you, Cloud."

I would have smiled at him had Tifa not been staring at me so intensely across the table. She's got a spoon of pudding held up in front of her, but she seems to have forgotten all about it. It's just hanging in mid-air, in front of her beautiful mouth.

"Could you... Could you stay up just a little bit longer tonight? I want to come over to your room and talk to you about something."

The way he said 'something' made me shiver.

"Can you do that for me, Aeris?"

Could I?

"I..."

I could feel the heat in my cheeks. I must have been blushing really hard.

"Could you?"

He has the most adorable pleading tone in his voice. I'm so tempted to say yes, but I hold back. I know what he wants to talk about, and deep inside, I'm scared. I'm scared because I know I won't like what he's going to say, and I know he won't like my answer. How can I explain to him that, even through my flirting, it's not him that I like, not in _that_ way? How can I explain that the person I love is...

Tifa coughs as she chokes on the bite of pudding she's finally remembered. I glance briefly at her to find that she's still staring at me, even while she's choking.

"Yes, I suppose I could."

I can feel Cloud smiling.

"Thanks, Aeris."

And he walks away, leaving me to sit there, cheeks flaming, with Tifa staring at me as she recovers from her bout of choking. I smile sheepishly.

"You ok, Tifa?"

She coughs slightly.

"Yeah, I suppose."

'I suppose'? What's that about? Before I can ask her about it, she's already gotten up and walked off someplace.

oooooooooo

My dress is rumpled where I've been twisting it over and over again in my hands. I'm a nervous wreck.

'_You should just go. Go to Tifa!'_

'_But I can't! Cloud asked me to wait for him!'_

'_But you know what he's going to talk about, and you know you won't like it! If you stay here, there'll never be a chance to be with Tifa, ever again. You know that.'_

'_Yeah, I know, but...'_

'_No buts. You know what this means, don't you?'_

'_Yes.'_

'_This is basically the time where you decide which person matters more to you.'_

'_I know.'_

'_You've always loved Tifa, haven't you?'_

"_Yes! Ever since I first saw her!'_

'_And Cloud is just a friend, isn't he?'_

"_Yes, but-'_

'_There's a but?'_

'_Cloud, he...'_

'_What about him?'_

'_Doesn't he seem just a little too much like Zack?'_

'_He does, doesn't he.'_

'_I dunno, he seems so lost. His love for me helps him stay focused. I don't want to take that away from him and leave him an empty shell. I don't want to be the one to ruin his life.'_

'_Ah.'_

'_I can't go to Tifa, even if I really, really want to.'_

'_Yes you can, you still have that choice.'_

'_And ruin Cloud?'_

'_If you have to, then so be it.'_

'_But I don't!'_

'_Yes, you do. Doesn't all this stupid selflessness annoy you at all?'_

'_What selflessness?'_

'_You're always putting everyone else first. Don't you ever think about yourself?'_

'_Of course I do!'_

'_Like when?'_

'_Like...'_

'_What about now?'_

'_What about now?'_

'_You're not thinking about yourself right now, you're thinking about Cloud. You know that by waiting for Cloud, you're not doing what's right for you, you're doing what's right for him.'_

'_How do you know that waiting for Cloud isn't the right thing for him and me?'_

'_Is Cloud really the right one for you?'_

'

'_Tifa is, isn't she?'_

'

'_Exactly. So go to her. Now!'_

'_I can't! I won't!'_

'_Fine. Then give up Tifa. Forget about her.'_

'_I...'_

'_You can't, can you.'_

'_... No.'_

'_Will you just give up your life, give up your chance with Tifa, just to help Cloud?'_

'_Cloud's more important than I am-'_

'_Is he more important than Tifa? If you wait for him, you're not only ruining your own life, you're ruining Tifa's too.'_

'_How am I ruining Tifa's? I don't even know what she thinks of me. She probably hates me.'_

'_Yet secretly you think she loves you.'_

'_What?'_

'_I know what you're thinking. I'm part of you too.'_

'_I do not think Tifa loves me!'_

'_Oh, really?'_

'_Yes, really!'_

'_So you're really going to stay here.'_

'_Yes!'_

'_Fine.'_

'_Fine.'_

'_Well, Cloud's not going to be here for a bit. Go say your goodbyes to Tifa.'_

'_What? What are you talking about?'_

'_You know exactly what I'm talking about. Go.'_

'_What? No! I'm not going to go!'_

'_Why not? It's your last time you'll be able to talk to her.'_

'_No it's not! I'll see her tomorrow!'_

'_Yes, you'll see her tomorrow, but you'll be Cloud's girl tomorrow. Might as well say your goodbyes.'_

'_Stop! Stop!'_

'_What? You don't want to hear the truth? You know that by staying, you've chosen. You've chosen Cloud over Tifa, Aeris, and you can't do anything once that's down.'_

'_Stop!'_

I crunch my dress in my shaking fists and I fight away the tears. It's true. I know it is. By staying here, I've chosen Cloud over Tifa. I don't want to, but Tifa doesn't need me, not as much as Cloud does.

KNOCK.

Cloud.

oooooooooo

The sun's shining in my eyes, through the little crack in between the curtains. I can't sleep because the sun's in my eyes. Actually, I can't sleep because I can feel an arm around my waist. And I'm positive the arm's not Tifa's.

Sitting up slowly, pushing away the arm that was resting around my waist, I slip out from underneath the covers and onto the ground. The wooden floor is cold against my bare feet, and I pad silently towards the door, where my pink slippers are. Daintily slipping them on, I turn back to look at my bed, at the blonde head resting on the second pillow, beside my own.

Cloud.

Without a second thought, I quietly turn the doorknob and walk out the door.

"Aeris?!"

A surprised whisper. I whip around in shock.

"Tifa?!"

There she is, standing in front of me in a white tank top and a pair of black shorts. Her slippers, cute little yellow chocobos, meet my pink ones with a stolid gaze. The same kind of gaze she fixed me when her surprise died down.

"Morning."

I gulp, still surprised in seeing here Tifa here, and even more surprised at her tone of voice.

"Good morning Tifa."

She's staring at me, yet again, but I know it's a lot deeper than just her normal staring. She's looking at me, glaring at me, eyes piercing into and through me.

"Er... Is something wrong? Do I have something on my face?"

I reach up with a self-conscious hand and I'm about to place it lightly on my cheek when Tifa shakes her head.

"No, there's nothing on your face."

"Oh. Okay then."

My hand falls back to its resting place beside me, and I wait for Tifa to elaborate on what's wrong, but she doesn't seem to be willing to say anything. There's a long silence between us, before finally, Tifa clears her throat and speaks.

"Mind coming with me for a walk? To the balcony?"

She gestures with a nod of her head towards the general direction of the balcony. I pause, thinking.

"Sure."

She turns around abruptly, thrusting her hands in the pockets of her shorts, and strides off, leaving me to frantically shuffle after her.

When we reach the balcony, I'm thoroughly bewildered, and shivering from the wind that rushes in and swirls around me.

"So... What would you like to talk about, Tifa?"

Her answer is prompt and brusque, but not without a hint of awkwardness.

"Us."

I gulp.

"What about 'us'"?

She turns to face me, looking away from the scenery, and I gulp again.

"You know what I'm talking about."

The awkwardness in her voice is still there, but it's melting away, being replaced by a brusque and determined edge. She's staring at me, hard, and I shift uncomfortably underneath her gaze.

"Tifa, I'm not sure I-"

"Cloud was in your room last night, wasn't he."

She made it a statement rather than a question. I hesitated in answering.

"Yes, he was..."

Tifa turned away from me, hands clenching the railing until her knuckles turned white. For a moment, all I can do is stare at her turned head, stare at her profile, and suddenly, I'm overcome with emotion. At that moment, I knew. I just knew.

"Tifa?"

My hand falls gently to rest on her hand, still clenched tightly around the railing. Her head snaps up and she turns towards me, surprise and uncertainty, as well as a certain roughness, clearly written on her face.

"Tifa," my voice is hoarse as I whisper, "I'm sorry."

She looks at me for a second, silent, thinking over what I just said. At first, she's confused, her eyebrows furrowed in puzzlement and flickering in her crimson eyes. Then, it's replaced by a certain level of understanding, then by a flash of barely hidden anger. She wrenches her hand away from mine.

"What are you talking about?"

Her voice is gruff, brusque, and it hurt like a physical blow.

"I... I don't know, Tifa, I..."

She stands facing me, confrontational, hands clenched in fists at her side. I sigh.

"I just thought you cared 'bout me, that's all."

Her face flushes. I can hear her teeth grinding together.

"Tifa-"

"No! Shut up!"

I stare at her, flabbergasted, and watch as she begins to tremble.

"You... You... You _thought_ I cared?! You THOUGHT I cared?! About... _YOU_?!"

"Tifa?"

My voice is so weak, so uncertain, so lost.

"No Aeris, shut up! Let me speak for once!"

She steps forward suddenly, making me jump in fright, and sticks her face right up against mine.

"Aeris, I never cared. Don't even dare think crazy things like that, 'cause I never cared."

I blink as she pulls back, and suddenly, it hits me like a ton of bricks. How could I have been so stupid? Tears well up before I can even blink again. She didn't care about me, that's not why she was so touchy about Cloud being in my room. She cared about Cloud. Not me, Cloud.

"Aw, god, _don't_ cry now!"

Tifa whips away from me, furious. I can see her lithe form shaking, even through my veil of tears.

"So," I sniff, trying to clear my nose, "So you just brought me here to say that we can't be friends anymore?"

I can feel a sob welling up, but I have to get through this, I have to get through this first.

Tifa doesn't turn around, just continues staring at the brick wall opposite her. I wait for her to answer, will her to answer, but she doesn't, and a tear runs down my cheek.

"Ti... Tifa?"

"Shut up, just _shut up_." she hisses back at me.

I don't understand. I'm so lost. For a moment back there, I really thought she cared, I thought she cared about me. But she cares about Cloud, she only cares about Cloud. She hates me for stealing him away from her.

Everything just rushes over me, overwhelms me, and I can't take it anymore. One more look at the trembling Tifa, and I turn to rush away from the balcony, away from the pain, away from Tifa. But before I can go, a hand roughly yanks me back, and I'm flung around to face an unreadable Tifa.

"Don't."

And even as she whispers, she roughly pushes her lips onto mine. So rough, so brusque.

A long moment passes, in which I find myself melting in Tifa's arms, before she finally pulls away.

"I'm sorry."

And then she lets go of me and disappears.

oooooooooo

Even as I change into my pink dress and pull on my red jacket, I can't stop thinking about Tifa. Even as I talk absent-mindedly with Cloud, the feeling of her lips on mine is still running through my head.

"Aeris? Aeris?"

My head jerks up in surprise and I find Cloud looking at me weirdly.

"Oh, sorry, I... I just sort of zoned out there."

I smile, and Cloud smiles back.

"It's okay, last night was a long night."

This morning was so... so sudden, so brusque. So... Tifa. I can't stop thinking about her. Tifa.

"Hm? What was that Cloud?"

He simply looks at me before pulling open the door and gesturing for me to go out.

"Thanks Cloud."

"No problem."

Just as I turn away from his smiling face, I stop and choke.

Tifa.

"Hi Cloud! Did you have a good night's sleep?"

Cloud clears his throat and blushes.

"Yes, I did. Thanks for asking Tif."

"No prob. Come on, breakfast is ready!"

And still smiling that phony smile, she dashes off, laughing as Cloud follows her. Leaving me to stand all by myself in front of my room, still stunned. There's only a single word going through my head.

What?

It's a long time before someone realizes I'm missing from the breakfast table. I don't notice that anyone's come to get me until I see the tips their boots. I look up slowly. Those slim, white legs. Those black shorts. The honed stomach, the milky white skin. That white top that barely seems to contain her. Strands of dark hair. That perfect chin, chiselled features, those captivating wine red eyes.

Tifa.

We stare at each other for a long time. Neither of us say anything. And then... And then Tifa pushes me back, back until I'm pressed against the wall, and pushes her lips roughly, urgently, onto mine. For a long time, I can't move, I'm pinned to the wall by Tifa's body, and my head scrapes painfully against it as we kiss. Her hands run up and down my sides, curling around my neck, wrapping around my waist. Her kisses move from my lips onto my jaw and slowly progress onto my neck, where she plants them long and hard. I can't hold back a moan. She pulls back for only the briefest moment before attacking my mouth again, and I find myself melting.

But before I can fully lose myself, she pulls away. Brushing herself off, she takes a step back and looks at me like nothing happened.

"Breakfast is ready Aeris, you might want to come down before the guys eat it all."

"Tifa..."

I'm breathless. How can she sound so normal?

She looks at me, raises an eyebrow, and waits for me to say something.

"What-"

"Don't Aeris."

She kisses me again, this time less roughly. When she pulls away, it's lingeringly soft, and her fingers twirl my hair.

"You know this can't happen."

"You chose."

"Cloud, over me."

"No, I-"

"No, Aeris, you know you did. For Cloud, not for yourself. I understand."

She smiles, before taking my hand in hers.

"Come on, I'm sure you're starving."

She pulls me towards the stairs, dragging me along, but I tug back against her. She turns, and gives me a questioning glance.

"I don't want to go down there, Tifa."

"Why not?"

"I..."

'_You can't face Cloud, can you.'_

'_No, I can't. Not after all this.'_

'_I told you to go to Tifa. You should have listened to me.'_

'_I'm sorry.'_

"Aeris?"

"I..."

Tifa takes my other hand in hers, and gives them a comforting squeeze.

"I can't face Cloud, Tifa. I don't want to face him. I feel like, if I go down there, everything will fall apart."

"It won't, Aeris."

"But if I go down there, you won't hold my hand anymore."

Tifa's silent.

"If I go down there, this will have to end. This, us, _we'll_ have to end."

Tifa's still silent, head down, unable to think of anything to say, or unwilling to say anything.

"Tifa, you know that as well as I do. Do you really want me to go down there?"

She looks up again, with a pained expression.

"No, I don't. I don't want to go down there either, but Aeris..."

She clears her throat, trying to stop it from constricting so much.

"Aeris, we have no choice. You chose. Last night, you chose."

"I know..."

"And you know that this can't happen. _We_ can't happen. Especially now that you've chosen."

She lets go of my hands, and they hang limply in the air, cold from the loss of contact.

"Why, Aeris? Why didn't you just refuse Cloud? Why didn't you just come to me?"

"I..."

"I liked you Aeris, I loved you. And I still do, even though you've chosen Cloud over me. Dunno why though."

She has a painful, wry smile on her face. I can feel tears welling up.

"Unless, you don't love me?"

"NO!"

"Then what? What made you stay in your room last night?"

"I..."

'_Selflessness.'_

"Selflessness."

"Selflessness, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Or maybe it was Tifa-lessness."

"What?"

"Did you think about me when you made that choice, Aeris? You were selfless, but you also forgot about me."

"Tifa, I... I had no choice."

"You did, Aeris. You always have a choice, no matter what."

"No, I don't. You even said that we don't have a choice. I couldn't. Cloud... He needs me more than you do."

"And how do you know that?"

Her reproachful look hits me full force. How do I know?

"Maybe I do need you more than Cloud does."

She takes my hands in hers again, and leans forward to kiss me. For a moment, I consider pulling away, because I know this is going absolutely nowhere, but I can't do that, I can't let go. So I surrender myself to her.

She pulls away all too soon, but doesn't back away much.

"Aeris, we could still do this, we could still be together."

Her breath whispers over my lips, her own lips brushing against mine as she murmurs.

"Tifa..."

"No, Aeris, I can't give you up, I don't want to, I can't."

"Tifa..."

"No! Don't you understand? Don't you understand that if we go down there, I'll die? We can still be together, Aeris. We can run away, jump out the window and climb down, go outside without ever having to go downstairs. Run away with me, Aeris."

"Tifa, I can't. We can't do that."

She jerks away from me.

"Why the hell not?"

A tear falls down my cheek, and hers. She blinks angrily, trying to stop her flow of tears. I let mine fall.

"Because if we go, we'll kill Cloud."

"We'll... We'll kill Cloud?

"Yes."

"How?"

"I'm the only thing that he can hold onto right now, I'm the only thing that keeps him sane. He'll go if I go, Tifa. I want to, really, I want to just turn away from everything and run away with you, but I can't."

"Because you're selfless."

"No... Yes. Because other people matter more than I do."

"Do I matter, Aeris?"

"Of course you do!"

"More than Cloud?"

I can't answer that. I can't answer, and she knows it. Her wry smile is back.

"Do I, Aeris? Do I matter more than Cloud? You don't know, do you."

"I know, Tifa."

"Okay, so you know. And you don't want to tell me."

"I can't."

"Because I won't like the answer."

"No. Because it'll get us nowhere."

"It'll get us nowhere. How you know that?"

"I-"

"Just like how do you know Cloud will really go if you go? Or that Cloud needs you more than me? How do you know your answer will get us nowhere?"

"Because you matter to me more than Cloud does, Tifa! Because that's always how it's been, and it always will be like that!"

I pull away from her, yank my hands out of hers, and I turn to run down the stairs, frantically wiping my tears away, but Tifa pulls me back to her.

"Then why, Aeris? Why are you torturing yourself, why are you torturing me?"

"Do you want to be the one who kills Cloud?!"

My voice is shrill, but the noise downstairs is too loud for the rest of them to hear me. Tifa winces.

"No."

"That's why!"

I pull away from her, but it's too much. I can't make myself turn away from Tifa, not now, not ever. With a muted cry of despair, I throw myself at her and bury my face in her neck, sobbing.

"I don't want to do this, Tifa, but I have to. You have to. I'm so sorry."

She holds me for a second, then pushes me away from her. Anger lends an unearthly flash to her crimson eyes, and she sneers at me.

"Fine. You've chosen, Aeris. Cloud over me."

She grips my shoulder to the point of pain, and shoves me roughly towards the stairs.

"Go. Go to your precious boyfriend. Don't let little impudent me stand in your way."

"Tifa-"

"_Don't Tifa me!_"

She shoves me hard, and I stumble towards the stairs. Tears are streaming down her face.

"Aeris, we still had a choice, and you still chose to stay. If I really matter so much to you, you should have come away with me. But I guess I don't. You want to be selfless, fine, but don't pull me into your little pit of torture."

She pushes past me brusquely, hitting her shoulder against mine, and I wince in pain. She looks at me, and for a second, her eyes soften.

"Tifa, I love you."

Tears spring up into her eyes, and she gives me one last, soft kiss before her eyes harden again and she pushes past me.

So rough, so brusque.

"You've chosen, Aeris. Cloud needs you more than I do. I understand."

And she walks down the stairs, leaving me to stare after her.

xxxxxxxxxx

It was like none of it had ever happened. Tifa completely forgot about everything, or else she was in denial. I never dared to try and bring it up again, but it was like she just forgot, or nothing had happened. She was untouchable.

I understand why Tifa acted the way she did, why she'd pushed me away from her with such force, why she'd been so mean. She didn't want me to feel bad about it, she didn't want herself to feel bad about it, so she became repulsive and hoped that I would hate her for the rest of her life.

That never happened. Never will.

I still love her with all my heart, and I'm pretty sure she still loves me, but we couldn't do anything about it. Cloud eventually came to himself, with the help of Tifa, and now they're more than friends, but less than lovers. Because I'm in between them.

Sometimes, I swear that I can see her crimson eyes looking at me, her soft lips turned up in an equally soft smile, or I can hear her voice, her laugh, but it's all just a figment of my imagination.

She had always been at my fingertips, but I had turned her away, and she had pushed past me roughly, brusquely.

Now all I can do is reminiscent, wish she was here, and hope that a time will come when I can see her again.


End file.
